Don't say this to people with ADHD
If you don’t have ADHD, it might be hard to know how best to communicate with your friends/family that do have ADHD.
Even with good intentions, you may say something that unintentionally triggers some deep shame and pain.
This guide is a quick lesson on some of the things you should avoid saying to people with ADHD.
“You don’t seem to have any problem focusing on [video games, tv, your phone, etc]…”
This misunderstands how ADHD affects attention. Despite “Attention Deficit” being part of the name, people with ADHD don’t actually have a deficit of attention. We have an abundance of attention, but it is dysregulated attention which means it can be difficult to aim.
Sometimes we can even hyperfocus on things, which is a type of directed attention that’s so intense that we don’t notice other things around us. Things like people calling our name, the passing of time, or that we haven’t had anything to eat or drink for hours.
“People with ADHD are just lazy.”
“You just need to try harder.”
This is an extremely hurtful thing to say to someone with ADHD, because it labels the difficulties that come with ADHD as some sort of moral failing, as if it’s a conscience choice.
We often desperately want to do the right thing but there is a brain blocker that can make it feel impossible to move into action.
“Why did you do it like that?”
“No, you’re supposed to do it THIS way.”
ADHD brains often have a different way of thinking, especially when it comes to problem solving.
While in a given situation, there might be what some would consider the “common sense” approach, that’s often counter to how the ADHD brain works. Rather than judging the method, pay attention to the results.
The divergent thinking that comes with ADHD often leads to finding alternative ways of solving a problem, which can even be an improvement on the common sense approach. And even if not, it may be the way that is easier for OUR brain, even if it makes less sense to someone else.
“You’re too smart to have ADHD.”
“You can’t have ADHD, you [graduated college, have a great career, etc].”
This can be hurtful to hear as it dismisses the lifelong struggle that someone with ADHD has had to go through in order to reach any of those achievements.
Having ADHD doesn’t preclude you from taking on big challenges in life, it just means that it was likely much more difficult and a lot of the struggles were hidden behind the scenes.
“Have you tried using [a todo list/app, a calendar, a planner, etc]?”
Even though this is usually well-intentioned advice, it can be insulting and belittling to suggest something so obvious as using a planner.
When I spoke to my doctor about ADHD for the first time, he beckoned me over to his desk like he was about to show me some life-changing knowledge about ADHD that would change everything for me. Instead, he just showed me the outlook calendar on his laptop, as if using a calendar app was a brand new concept to me and was going to cure my ADHD.
I promise you that someone with ADHD has tried just about every single productivity trick you can think of to help with motivation, planning, time management, etc. They probably own dozens of planners, todo apps, calendars, etc.
We know “what” we should do, the problem is that ADHD makes it difficult to do what we know.
What else should you keep in mind when speaking to a coworker, friend, or relative with ADHD?
I think one of the most important things to know about people with ADHD is that our intentions are usually in the right place.
We are trying so hard to do the right thing.
One of the worst parts of growing up with ADHD is people seeing the way your ADHD presents itself and thinking that you are just trying to be difficult or bad or whatever on purpose. Many children with ADHD (especially those with hyperactive-impulsive presentation) are labelled as “bad” kids despite them trying so hard to be good and fit in.
It’s like you’re constantly being quizzed in a class despite never being taught the material, so every day is just another failure and you never really understand why.
People don’t see that you are actually just struggling to fit into what people want of you because your brain doesn’t work the same way as most other people.
Another way of saying all that is, assume the best intentions of people with ADHD and you will almost always be right.
— Jesse
P.S. I’m currently selling my ADHD Motivation Mastery course at half price to celebrate ADHD Awareness Month! It’s a much deeper dive into how to make motivation work for ADHD. Helping you get unstuck so you can start taking action, stay consistent, and finally finish those things that matter.
It’s a super ADHD-friendly 7-week course with short videos, worksheets, and transcripts available for each lesson.
Sign up now while it’s still half price, the month is almost over!
P.P.S. My book Extra Focus: The Quick Start Guide to Adult ADHD is still available for free for the next couple of days!
You can download a copy for free here.
(comes with both the PDF version and EPUB version).
This hits because it names the real damage — not the symptoms, but the shame that builds when intentions are constantly misunderstood.
ADHD isn’t a lack of effort or intelligence, it’s a mismatch between how a brain works and how the world expects it to work.
Assuming good intentions shouldn’t be radical, but for people with ADHD it often is.
Articles like this matter because they shift the focus from “fixing” us to actually understanding us. So thank u for that!!
Hi Jesse! I just posted kind of a strange piece, a real-time record of how my attention issues manifest while trying to read with ADHD. Not sure it’s the perfect format for Substack, but I’d love to hear your thoughts.