The Curse of "Potential"
Hey friends,
In school, my report cards always seemed to talk about my potential.
"He has such potential—if he'd only focus on the right things."
"Has a lot of potential, but doesn't turn his work in on time."
"Could achieve so much more if he would apply himself."
"Capable of excellent work, but only when interested."
"Keeps getting in the way of his own potential."
"Would excel if they could stay on task."
Apparently, according to my teachers, I had all the makings of success but was robbing myself of it somehow.
The problem with these phrases, is that all the blame seems to fall on my shoulders. I don't hear anything positive about my potential, I hear about how I'm somehow messing it all up. That I should be better somehow, but I'm not.
All I can hear is that it's all my fault.
Even now, that curse of potential continues to ring in my ears whenever someone says something positive about me.
I think about the years of disappointing my teachers, worried I'm going to do the same as an adult. Worried that "potential" is a code word for how I'm going to fail or fall short.
Many of you know, I was laid off from my job earlier this year.
Since then, I've been working on building a business out of the ADHD education and advocacy work I've been doing. And as I talk with other business owners and founders, I often hear that worrying word again.
Potential.
I'm thankful to be surrounded by amazing people that are cheerleading me and encouraging me as I navigate my business, and try to turn the work I love to do (helping people with ADHD) into something that supports me and my family.
But part of me hears my friends tell me about my potential and... well, it terrifies me.
Which is so frustrating.
Potential is a word that is meant to be encouraging! And should be encouraging! But I have this negativity bias, this internal critic that's trying to tell me that it's a bad word.
Aren't brains just funny like that?
My brain always seems to be trying to find a negative out of a positive, like every compliment is a trick meant to trip me up rather than just a compliment or word of encouragement.
This is one of the reasons I recommend keeping a Smile File.
When you have ADHD, it's so easy to forget about the positive things in your life, whether it's the encouraging words from friends, or a record of the successes you've had in life. I recommend dedicating a place to record these so you can return to it whenever you're feeling discouraged, or can sense your brain trying to turn a positive into a negative.
The truth is, my friends that are encouraging me right now are giving positivity without caveats. There's no "if" or "but" attached to their words. That's just something my brain keeps trying to find.
But I'm done with that. I'm tired of trying to figure out the puzzle of how an encouraging word is somehow supposed to make me feel bad.
I'm going to start claiming potential as a word of positivity again.
Heck yeah I have potential!
I can't wait to show it to the world.
— Jesse
You’re right. Hearing about your “potential” can be frustratingly abstract. I think counselors and teachers and parents, for that matter, would be better off if they accessed their own potential to be better in their respective roles. Demonstrating that growth myself with specificity: Say you’ve got a student or child who, academically or generally, seems to brighten up and do really well from time to time, but otherwise seems to slack off or be disinterested (and coincidentally behaves poorly). Instead of telling that child that they have “potential,” pay closer attention to them and identify what they seem to excel at, what they’re interested in. Then, you can say, “Hey, you’ve got potential. I see you doing X activity, and you really show promise in these particular ways. Here’s some options for you so you can keep doing what you love.”
Now, I get that teachers might be writing “potential” on report cards hoping the parents do that, but I for one expect better from our teachers. Not that the parents get off the hook, I for one also expect better from them.
Thank you for bringing this up, Jesse. Here’s to hoping those of us who’ve personally experienced “potential-shaming” will integrate our understanding of its ramifications and be an example of better mentoring.